two's a whole lot lonelier than one
by jackelgull
Summary: Aedion will not undermine Lysandra in public when they all need to be united. He is willing to give her that it was necessary for Terrasin. That does not mean he forgives her Cross-posted to archive of our own
1. Chapter 1

Aedion turned to Lysandra and snarled, "You knew"

The revelation knocks the breath out of him and he nearly feels himself unsteady. He'd thought Aelin trusted him, despite his reputation as the Whore of Ardalan. He should've known better. And Lysandra being a part of the deception caused a keening ache in his chest. He'd never felt more alone.

Lysandra did not flinch. "She asked me—that day on the boat. To help her. She told me the suspected price to banish Erawan and restore the keys. What I needed to do."

Aedion snarled, "What could you possibly …"

Lysandra lifted her chin.

Rowan breathed, "Aelin would die to forge the new Lock to seal the keys into the gate—to banish Erawan. But no one would know. No one but us. Not while you wore her skin for the rest of your life."

Aedion dragged a hand through his blood-caked hair. "But any offspring with Rowan wouldn't look anything like—"

Lysandra's face was pleading. "You would fix that, Aedion. With me."

With the golden hair, the Ashryver eyes … If that line bred true, the shifter's offspring could pass as royal. Aelin wanted Rowan on the throne—but it would be Aedion secretly siring the heirs.

Aedion flinched as if he'd been struck. "And when were you going to reveal this? Before or after I thought I was taking my gods-damned cousin to bed for whatever reason you concocted?"

He wanted to release a bitter mirthless laugh. He had been so wrong. In the end Lysandra had neither wanted nor needed Aedion the man in any capacity. She needed his sword, his experience, his reputation and his children but he, Aedion, had just been an inconvenient part of the deal.

Lysandra said softly, "I will not apologize to you. I serve her. And I am willing to spend the rest of my life pretending to be her so that her sacrifice isn't in vain—"

He wants to cut her off and yell terrible obscenities. He wants to tell her to go to hell and call her a lying bitch and hurt her with the words he knows will claw under her skin. But rage is a luxury he cannot indulge in. Right now the situation is desperate. Aelin is gone and Lorcan her betrayer is here and there's the Ironteeth witches to consider as well as the wyrd keys … as always Aelin's left a big fucking mess behind her and Aedion's getting a headache just thinking about it. He has enough experience cleaning after these messes to realize Aelin's court needs to be unified to deal with the challenge. That means not undermining Lysandra at this time. He swallows his rage and let's it boil under his skin and adds it to the churning sea of injustices of his life. He cuts her off and says, "Did I ask for your forgiveness? You did what you needed for Terrasin and Aelin."

He wonders if anyone can sense the tension in his voice, how much he wants to run away from it all and never come back, how close he is to his limit.

The smile of gratitude she gives him is wider then the sun and it almost thaws the icy rage in his heart. Just a fraction of a bit.

He salutes her and says, "Your orders?" Even though it makes him sick to his stomach.

Lysandra looks at him in shock.

"Well if you're gonna pretend to be Aelin you got to start learning how to take charge around here " he explains smiling mischievously. He can do this, he can pretend things haven't changed.

In the end, Rowan,Gavriel,Elide and Lorcan look for Aelin while Dorians goes with the Iron teeth witches as a bodyguard on their mission and to search for the wyrd key and he and Lysandra stay behind.

Lysandra approaches him when he's alone.

"Thank you for backing me up" she says quietly.

"I didn't really have a choice" he says, shrugging.

"I know you're upset with me but I'm glad you're here" she says. Her hand reaches out for his but he slaps it away before their fingers touch.

"Let's not pretend. Not about this", he says, looking pained.

She takes a step back as if he'd struck her. She pleads helplessly, "It wasn't -"

"Liar", he cuts her off, his rage building, a seething living thing in his gut. He takes a step forward into her personal space until their noses are touching.

"You are a liar, Lysandra. You lie to the world and you lie to your friends and you lie to me as easily as you breath. You even lie to yourself. I won't stand here and let you lie to my face about what we are. You can go to hell!" He spits out his anger, and vehemently wishes she would choke on it.

"Are you trying to hurt me?" Lysandra asks calmly, wiping off his spit from her face, "because it's not working".

He steps back and holds his hands to his heart in a mock gesture of innocence, "Little old me? Now how would I do that? In order to hurt you I'd have to know you and as we've clearly established, I don't know you at all".

He leaves then, too angry to be in her presence any longer. He leaves with the knowledge settling in his bones that he is more alone than ever. That he will always be alone.

He does not see Lysandra crumple to her knees, sobbing.


	2. Chapter 2

Notes: I know it's been a while, but recently I've had the time and inspiration so I figured why not. Hope you all like it

He drinks alone, one night in the cabin on the ship's passage to Terrasen. Tomorrow, he would be the general of Aelin's forces, and advisor to the queen. Tonight was for his grief. Drinking was an old vice of his, from his earliest days in Ardalan's army. When grief threatened to overwhelm him, he'd retreat to somewhere private, and drink until he forgot his own name, and just allow himself to feel. And if anyone found him, well, then he'd just be Aedion the Weepy Drunk, and not Aedion the Bitch. It's how he worked through the grief of many of the loved ones he'd lost, not only when Terrsen fell but also to the constant war he'd been waging since he was eighteen.

Halfway into his cups, Aedion was getting mopey. He considered the thought of his children, not knowing he was his father. Just watching with longing as they called Rowan daddy, and sobbed. In that moment, he hated the man thoroughly.

It was of course, in this moment that Lysandra chose to barge into his quarters.

"Lysandra? What are you doing here?" He asks, confused.

"I came to check up on you," she says hesitantly.

"No really, why are you here?" he repeats more forcefully. He's put his cup down to glare at her for intruding.

"I wanted to make sure we were alright. I want us to be friends. We're going to be one of the only people who know about this deception", she explains, fiddling with her hands nervously.

"I don't understand, I have not been anything less than friendly to you"

"Don't play dumb, Aedion, it doesn't suit you", Lysandra bites. Aedion doesn't say anything, because she's right. He hasn't been hostile to Lysandra. He's spoken to her about work, and a few other cursory topics one can speak about to acquaintances, but the easy intimacy that existed between them before is gone.

"I swear to you Aedion, I enjoyed your company. If you believe nothing else, know that wasn't a lie", Lysandra is almost pleading with him now, but that can't be right, because Aedion can't imagine Lysandra begging for anything, especially for such a paltry prize as his friendship. Still, as foolish as it may be, he believes her. If only because there'd be no need for her to trick him like that in order to get the children she needed. Lysandra was much like Aelin in that regard. If she needed a baby from him, she would get one, no matter how he felt about it.

"Even if I believe you, I can't be your friend."

"Why ever not?" she asks defiantly, jutting her chin at him.

He confesses looking at his cup, "I want to be a father Lysandra. I want my children to know I love them, I want to spend time with them and love them and make their fears go away. I want to teach my sons and daughters courage and take them through the rituals of childhood. I want a comfortable house that rings with their laughter, and I want to be happy and kiss my wife in the morning when we wakeup and boast to my friends about my family until they're sick and tired about hearing about it."

He doesn't know what possesses him to confess this to her. Maybe there's a part of him that still considers her friend, buried beneath all the hurt.

"Oh Aedion" she sighs, and reaches out with a hand to pat his head. He should be angry. He should slap her hand away. Instead he's sad and unhappy, and he turns his head away from her touch and takes a sip from his cup. Lysandra gets the message and pulls back her hand.

"Maybe it's for the best. Maybe this is my punishment for my sins. I don't think I'd even know what to do myself if I was happy."

"I'm sorry things have to be this way."

He realizes then, that maybe he isn't so incapable of being friends with her. His yearning is too sharp now, but well, they were good to each other once. He can imagine once again sharing his grief with her.

"I think, right now, I can't look at you and not see the woman denying me what I want most. I know it's unfair, but I don't think I can carry out this plan and still be friends with you. But maybe once the war is over, and assuming we've won, after I've settled into the new normal and the grief isn't so sharp, maybe then."

"You're speaking as if you don't expect Aelin to come back." Lysandra observes.

"It would be a miracle, which means Aelin is perfectly poised to do so"

"I sense a but in there somewhere"

He sighs and slumps back in his chair, "I am too jaded and cynical to believe in miracles, Lysandra."

Lysandra sits down on a chair next to him and says quietly, her fingers on his back, providing warmth, "She's coming back. You have to believe that".

"But what if she doesn't?"

Lysandra hesitates for a moment before saying, "Even if she doesn't, it doesn't mean a family is denied to you. You can still get married and have other children."

It is possibly the absolute worst thing she could've said. For a good moment, Aedion feels like his jaw is broken as he struggles to make his mouth work.

Normally he would be angry, yelling at her to get out, making the whole ship hear his wrath. Any other time he would. Not now, when he is feeling so raw, wallowing in his grief, with a considerable amount of spirits in his system. He feels crushed. There's a burning sensation in his eyes as tears threaten to form. He refuses to let them. Not in front of Lysandra.

"I can't just have more children to make up for the ones I will never get a chance to know. You know it doesn't work like that."

Lysandra would tear apart anyone who tried to take Evangeline from her, Aelin included. She has to know it doesn't work like that. Unless she thought he was like his dad, who got his mom pregnant and then abandoned her, presumably to go back to a life and family somewhere else.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"For someone who doesn't mean to hurt me, you're awfully good at it" he spits back at her, and feels a hollow satisfaction when she flinches.

Before she can say anything back, he begs her, "Please just go, Lysandra."

She looks at him, and he wishes he was less vulnerable in front of her. That he could hide much his soul was bleeding. She leaves without saying anything more, and after the door closes behind her, he starts crying.

He continues drinking for the rest of the night, unable to cause the image of children with blonde hair and emerald green eyes to disappear from his head.


End file.
